Brain Damage

I smoked my head on the corner of my dresser this morning. The mark it left matches the mark I got on the other side from smoking my head on the towel rack last week. I'M IN PAIN! What a weekend.

I beat Marvel Alliance this morning (after making my bed). Now I'm divided between showering, shaving, and eating. My room could use a little upkeep as well. Oi, I'm SO TIRED!

It's later now, man what a day. I had always thought I might become a stay at home dad. I realize now this line of thought has kept my career plan from developing. Now what should I do? I worked out my credits and debts tonight and figured out how much income I'll need to offset my monthly expenses, roughly 2000$ a month. I read in the paper minimum wage is going up to 8.50$/hour, which means working at minimum wage I'll be able to stay afloat for a minimum investment of 51 hours per week. Not much of a career goal, more of an objectification of my financial situation. At the opposite end of the spectrum, I would like to make a six figure income. This means working fulltime at 50$/hour. Not only would I like to earn a six figure income, I'd like to do it working part-time, not unlike my lawyer who earns 150$/hour. Doesn't seem realistic, not as an entry level employee. The line of thought did lead me to research jobs that do offer six figure salaries: art directors, technical leads, and estate planners.

The frustration involved with not knowing what to do, where to go, or who I can count on for what is effecting my diet. I just took some time to message some potential on a dating site. What potential do I see? What am I looking for? Security, companionship, validation, love, esteem, the usual stuff. HA! I've been eating rich foods: two boxes of granola bars, a bag of Doritos, a can of Pringles, I just ate some canned mussles on Breton crackers. I'm wired and I just want to eat and sleep and my dick is bursting! I'm not sure if online dating is something I do when I 'm horny, or if I get horny from online dating. Ugh, it's hard to concentrate when you feel like companionship is important, that it relies on your ability to provide sucurity and comfort for your partner, and that this security and comfort can only come from material wealth, wealth usually collected through earnings, earnings which at this point in my life should be substantial but are not, that may stem from professional jobs which require excellent performance in quality education, which is difficult to obtain when you can't focus on studying! It brings me back to the 'blame your parents' ideology. Funny thing is it seems as though my mom is in the same type of situation. Maybe she wanted to be a career woman, I'm not sure, I find it hard to blame her for not providing me with the opportunities I needed to be someone else at this point in my life. She was abandoned by my father too.

The abandonment wasn't so traumatic, the violence leading up to that point may have affected my development. The only reason I look back at it now and again is to try to understand whether I can't trace some behavior back towards a faulty attitude that I might not try and alter in order to become more optimistic about my career. That last schpeal doesn't quite capture the sentiment of my feelings, though I am getting closer at understanding the impact my childhood has had. Typically when I'm frustrated I blame my parents and stop thinking, hopeless.

Hopelessness and helplessness: terrible things.

Oh I was thinking about equality a few moments past while I was recapitulating the anguish of my day. Now, wouldn't the world be equalized if all it's inhabitants were to take all they own and divide that up by the number of the worlds inhabitants? I know, it's a radical thought, but let's humour the thought for just one second, for the sake of hope, and help.

Now, to have all I owned appraised and divided would be a feat in itself. I think the government and the banks would be able to tackle such an awesome challenge. I would be responsible for reporting my belongings, and someone else would have to decide the best way to distribute my wealth evenly amongst the rest of the world. Isn't that what income tax is? I wish I knew how to capitalize on my resources more effectively, it doesn't seem to do me any good to play music to myself in a bedroom.

There's a lot of awesome things going on in my life right now with art and music, graduation is just around the corner. Stressors aside I really like myself and everything about me. I think I'll eat and drink some more, brush my teeth and go to bed. One class tomorrow! Hardest thing ever.