Sir Tainty

Dainty steps in worn out shoes
gallops lithely, drudging the labour.

His effort spent, an investment in futile destiny, hopeful he cries.

But why this hope? He feels barren, burdened, strengthened and soothed.

Temporarily aware that he is unaware. Dying to be convinced, to conceive.

Conceiving, being compared. Creating but for what? Tomorrow is imagined, but when it is naught what has he left? Ruts, marks, divots? Feelings, impressions. Is rest any more appealing?


I could be as a well, filling with emotions caste down in pours of attention.
Does the well dry quickly? Or am I wasteful with it's contents? Life is so good while the well is filling, should I fear the drought imminent? I live through time. The past uncertain brought on uncertainty. What an illusion (what: the colour of confusion): The semantic content of a semiotic message persuading popular culture to buy into the marketed ideal. The majority of happiness, what is it? Learned attitudes, adopted through social learning.

Dissonance, and a negative response towards myself is birthed from a conflict between two schemas: the one I have for my current self, and the one I have for the self I feel others are interested in investing with. I need to be the self I am and believe I am the self others desire me to be. I need to be with people. I need to accept them, bring them in close, and allow them to know who I am. I need to be vulnerable, I need to be strong, confident, approachable, unprejudiced. Where a similarity lay attraction may occur.

The life that I live is splendid. It is unlike the majority norm. That is not to say it cannot be improved. It is my attitude towards the life I live that makes it. I need not share my life, but the attitude towards it. In so doing others are able to adopt a similar attitude. I do have attitudes, and preconceived beliefs, some of which are obstacles preventing me, or slowing my professional growth. The good news is that I do feel worthy. Do I feel valued? Important? I must create the value others respond positively towards. I am able to create a superficial impression, but my true worth is in bringing out the qualities that underlie valuable feelings: security and comfort. If you seek securities, I have these to offer. If you seek comforts, I have these to offer. I have nothing but a master, a good master. I have nothing to offer but what I know. The illusion of I and mine are false, though simply put, the superficial impression sparks new beginnings.

What securities I give come from God. What comforts I give come from God. They are in this world but not of it. As I draw closer to him, he draws closer to me, as you draw closer to me, you draw closer to him, and the comforts and securities I know, the deep emotional comfort and security God's love is, are yours.

And who on Earth would let me know the same relationship? A woman drawing closer to God, sheltered by his securities and comforts. A woman whom as I draw closer to, shelter's my love beneath the deep spiritual security and comfort she knows from her relationship with God.

Shamanism: Shame on you Imperfect, just dance!

I'm working, yay. It's a good job: hard work, physically demanding at times, emotionally demanding at others, spiritually demanding again and again. I've spent roughly 40 hours at this 'new' job. It's puppy love to a great degree. Today I am off. I had an interview this morning for a new job. Same type of work, different environment. Crushed.

New tech. Low gravity. Electrical outlet. Posting, pasting, haste wasting. Aging. Downers? Dirty work. Self-worth. What am I worth to you?

Two things: Doing what God wants. Second thing: Placing my trust in God. God knows what I need before I ask for it. All of my needs are met as I surrender my will to fulfill God's purpose for the Earth.

It's hard sometimes, not knowing. Faith is such an important thing. You can try as you may to remove yourself from negative situations, but really I think the main thing is interpretation. The Bible talks about the armour of Christ, and I do feel protected from many influences. The Hindu scriptures talk about associations with other devotees as being an essential part of their religion. This helps them maintain purity. The Jehovah's Witnesses exhibit the same type of behaviour: shunning memebers who act against the doctrines of their society. Speaking of the Witnesses, I think the evangelicals who I had accepted into my home for Bible study have decided to cease our talks.

Last week, I had a shift during my usual meeting time with the Jehovah's Witnesses and was expecting to hear from David on Thursday to discuss an appropriate time to re-convene. I have yet to hear from him. Luckily he did assist me with my Bible reading strategy. I had previously tried to read the Bible from cover to cover. David suggested I start with the book of Matthew and finish the New Testament. I've been reading about a chapter or two a day ever since!

My Hindu readings have slowed way down. It is a very demanding discipline, wrought with beauty and explanation. Since I've been recently smitten, I should hope to learn new teachings on life as a householder, or even better: actually experiencing the life of a householder. I'm not sure what's in store, I really have been taking it one day at a time. I'm tempted to whine about a lack of close relationships and it is true, my closest relationships are few and far between. My situation resonates with the information I received from Adulthood and Aging. Older men tend to have one person in their inner circle of social relationships: their wife. Now if I can only figure out how to wifey this lady...

Consequences

Allowing consequences to direct your action is an interesting thought. How can you know the consequences of your actions before the consequences have arrived? I've struggled with this a long time: Choosing a goal, and then working towards the goal. I'm focusing on failures right now because I don't seem to be getting any place real with anybody! I try to calm myself by saying the reason I've seen so little major developments come to fruition is because the course towards my goal is a long one, equal in magnitude to the loftiness of my goal. My goals tend to resonate with my dreams. I would love to become financially independent. How should I reach this goal? Financial independence is the consequence of which action? The first word that comes to mind is discipline, the second is frugality. I would love to be free from financial worries. I would use my money to create a rock concert. I would spread a message of understanding. Would I? I don't know, I feel so hopeless and doubtful. It's times like these I really feel like I would benefit from having someone who loved me unconditionally. It seems so hard to even consider the actions required to experience such a consequence. My self-esteem feels fragile and brittle in light of such types of situations. It really is a vicious cycle. If I were wealthy, I suspect I would have more confidence. Being poor, I'm confident that should another love me, it would be out of genuine affection for who I am, and not so much my material worth. Falling in love after getting rich may cause doubts of loyalty. Anyway, I'm not sure what the real issue is, I'll have to refocus.

Let's try to better understand the problem. I am faced with obstacles. My objective is to find a companion and then become financially independent. In that order, to eliminate the impact of a superficial attraction on loyalty. I would like to be with someone I can trust, respect, and honor. Now, how do I find this person? Is it reasonable to hold on financial independence before I find her? I don't think that it is?

The question is: Why am I still single? It's easy to say that I'm undesirable because of my financial situation.

Another question might be: Why am I poor? The answer here could be that I am waiting to find someone who wants me for me before I make my fortune.

The true fortune is in love. I value companionship more than any other treasure on Earth. Right now it's all I want.

The 'Kind' and 'Patience' Neuronal Networks

Kindness is an interesting trait. It is a character trait. Can kindness be quantified? When you say someone is kind on what authority is the decision made? Objectifying a person's behaviour as kind or unkind requires an external standard, one that ultimately must have been decided upon through subjective decision making. Alternatively, the difference is intrinsic, something we are all innately aware of. Honestly, to mention another's kindness may be a kind act in itself.

Patience is equally as difficult to quantify. An english word, loaded with meaning. 'Patiently waiting' implies waiting without being anxious. Anxiety can cause stress problems that lead to health issues with a persons blood pressure. So it is healthy to be patient. It may be good. It would be good if conductively you were to reason health as a good thing. It is good to be healthy. Why? A healthy person might be pain free, is that to say a person who is in pain is not healthy? Is pain a sign of unhealthyness? That would be unfair to say. A child experiences growing pains, is this not common to every child? Perhaps we're all in poor health.

It is a conditioned feeling. How do you feel? Are you nervous?

Cascade

No, not the dishsoap! Okay, well some of that too. Now that is the end of that.

Computing on public access computers tends to be a joy (for the most part). The workstation I am at today has a sticky 'o' key. Not only does this key increase my error rate and lower my words per minute, it is very frustrating.

Good for trying the patience.

I could change stations. I could try to find someone who is interested in knowing and doing something about the situation, or I can do nothing.

What is it with me and handicaps? I believe it's impermanent regardless. Does suffering make future experience that much more enjoyable?

Elecktronick

THWANG

Lunarsphere - The atmosphere about the moon.

Two pieces of frame (the first and second) connect, magnetize and clamp together.

The roar of applause and popping of champagne cork fill the station at Moon Base and spills over the radio.

The transmission is ended abruptly. Dead quiet, the stillness of space. Biorhythms throbbing while the rig assembles right before his face.

Spaceman, spacewalk, radio squawk.

RCM Guitar

I didn't even know there was a Royal Conservatory of Music Guitar program! Not until recently.

Saddness... Anger? Hmm, frustration. It's getting later on in my life. Envy? Fear. I feel inappropriate without a nylon stringed guitar. Limitation. Acceptance approaches quickly. The outcome is still to be decided. My vision is obstructed, literally, there seems to be some over stimulation. Could it be a combination of my job seeking, Bible reading, strength training, guitar practice, computer usage, and syllabus introduction? Eye strain, brain strain. I feel good, but emotionally low, positively broke, with goals that seem a little too lofty. What was I thinking as I left High School? I really hadn't thought of much. I knew so little concerning desireable passtimes, everything was a hobby to some greater or lesser degree of seriousness. I favored those activities whose nature where most harmonious with my own: generative, exciting, social activities. Affordable activities. It would be a shame to never realize my potential as a classical guitarist because I lacked adequate equipment, but how can I invest into such equipment? The endeavour would incure more debt. It is reassuring to believe that I do have the credit to fulffill such a pursuit. Currently I do have the time to invest, but that will have to change and I will have to earn a living. It will be some time yet before I am a qualified guitar instructor.

Espressivo

Sass! Sassafras. Sassafras roots. Roots! Rudiments. Rudimentary.

"Hey now!? That's just plain rude!" mother exclaimed as she stepped into the yard. The scowl on her face punctuated by the snap close of the spring loaded wooden screen door frame. Her faded green cargo shorts and pale pink tank top reminiscent of her youthfulness, hands poised on jutted hips. I looked from her pose to my hands, and down past them to the the boy who lay bleeding unconscious below me. How could a child my age know any better?

Windows

For peering through. Seeing.

Surroundings: what have I gotten into? Being.

Effort: what else have I got to lose?

Accomplishment: accomplished.